Stormont: An Alternative Northern Ireland Assembly

Report from the Preparation for Preparation for Doing Nothing Committee: 31st August 2006

2006-08-31T12:55:00.000-07:00

Chair: "Does anyone have any strategies to get the Assembly up and running?"

Dr. No: "Never!"

Chair: "Excuse me?"

Dr. No: "We have never had strategies, and we will never have strategies. We just make it up as we go along- so long as we are slagging the Trimbleites and keeping Sinn Féin/ IRA out of government, then why bother having strategies? Never, no , never!"

Chair: "Ok then... anyone else?"

Fatwood: "We have many good strategies you could use to come up with a new strategy- Direct Rule Watch, stopping loyalist flags, North South Makes Sense."

Chair: "But I've never heard of those strategies. Has anyone?"

Fatwood: "North, South, flags, rule, flags, loyalist, malfunction, malfunction...!"
[The member started emitting sparks and had to be removed from the chamber for reprogramming.]

Rodge Empty: "I can't contribute to this debate as my PUP aides aren't here to give me permission to add ideas, so I'll have to pass on this one."

Bearded Brownie: "A Chara, dia duit, is mise think that the occupied six county failed statelet should be placed under the direct control of the true government of the socialist republic, the army council.. er, sorry, I mean the Assembly. I nominate me to be leader."

Chair: "I'm afriad it doesn't quite work like that."

Ford Anglia: "I think all the other parties should quit and leave us in charge. They can go off and be friends, and we'll run the country as we know best."

Chair: "I don't think this is going to work."

[Meeting was suspended and members retired to the canteen for cheap subsidised grub.]

Interesting Stuff

2006-08-30T00:57:00.000-07:00

"Let's all be friends. Sectarianism is bad. Don't vote for all the other bad parties- just vote for us and we'll make all your decisions for you because you can't be trusted to think for yourselves in case you slip back into your neanderthal sectarian ways. Em... I don't really have anything else to say... "

-Ford Anglia

We're all going on a Summer Holiday

2006-08-29T11:02:00.000-07:00

"The government has hinted that it's going to ship us all over to Scotland to discuss forming an Assembly. Sounds fine, so long as I don't have to share the HSS with those terrorists from Sinn Féin/ IRA. I remember one time having to share a flight to London with Gerry Adams- thankfully I was stowed in my usual cage in the animal hold, so didn't have look at his gurning face sipping champagne in first class.

There's no chance of us going into government with Sinn Féin/ IRA anyway- I haven't bothered discussing it with the party, but what I say goes.

I don't know why people say we are sectarian and unprogressive- I- uh... I mean, we- would be happy to share power with the SDLP. In fact, once they get back to me on that I letter I sent to Durkan offering to go into government with him once he converts to Free Presbyterianism, we can get the show on the road. Of course, he will also have to stick to the other precondition I set that he change his name to Wesley.

Anyway, must dash. The Lady is calling for her tea and crumpets. Toodle-pip!"

- Dr. No

Welcome to the House on the Hill

2006-08-29T10:01:00.000-07:00

In real life, it seems that the job of a politician in Northern
Ireland is to sit on his or her arse and get paid for doing nothing. So 'Stormont: An Alternative Northern Ireland Assembly' will liven things up in an alternate reality where interesting things actually do happen.

With verbatim reports from the 'Preparation for Preparation for Doing Nothing' committee, plus exclusive blog posts from the key players/ wasters, this is the place to be if you want to know exactly what isn't happening in Northern Irish politics.